seven stages of grief
Sometimes it not possible to just snap out of it. Most people have been kind and try to be understanding, but they really don't understand. There’s something a little embarrassing when a stranger looks deep into your eyes and says “You look after yourself, yes?”.
I feel like I have a lot to be happy about, but for a while now I have felt sad and lost, frequently and unendingly, so much so that I wonder when it will ever end. It’s the thought behind the most famous speech in all history. To be, or not to be.
To be, or not to be: that is the question:
Whether ’tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,
Or to take arms against a sea of troubles,
And by opposing end them? To die: to sleep;
No more; and by a sleep to say we end
The heart-ache and the thousand natural shocks
That flesh is heir to, ’tis a consummation
Devoutly to be wish’d. To die, to sleep;
To sleep: perchance to dream: ay, there’s the rub;
For in that sleep of death what dreams may come
When we have shuffled off this mortal coil,
Must give us pause: there’s the respect
That makes calamity of so long life;
For who would bear the whips and scorns of time,
The oppressor’s wrong, the proud man’s contumely,
The pangs of despised love, the law’s delay,
The insolence of office and the spurns
That patient merit of the unworthy takes,
When he himself might his quietus make
With a bare bodkin? who would fardels bear,
To grunt and sweat under a weary life,
But that the dread of something after death,
The undiscover’d country from whose bourn
No traveller returns, puzzles the will
And makes us rather bear those ills we have
Than fly to others that we know not of?
Thus conscience does make cowards of us all;
And thus the native hue of resolution
Is sicklied o’er with the pale cast of thought,
And enterprises of great pith and moment
With this regard their currents turn awry,
And lose the name of action…
I just read the Seven Stages of Grief in my psychology textbook. It confirmed to me that this phase is temporary and that one day ill be such a wise amazing human being, all fixed and all that. Wiser for the future, and at least, knowing. This is what the theory says – it turns out to be a pretty predictable and a well known phenomenon that most humans experience after a loss.
I feel like I have a lot to be happy about, but for a while now I have felt sad and lost, frequently and unendingly, so much so that I wonder when it will ever end. It’s the thought behind the most famous speech in all history. To be, or not to be.
To be, or not to be: that is the question:
Whether ’tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,
Or to take arms against a sea of troubles,
And by opposing end them? To die: to sleep;
No more; and by a sleep to say we end
The heart-ache and the thousand natural shocks
That flesh is heir to, ’tis a consummation
Devoutly to be wish’d. To die, to sleep;
To sleep: perchance to dream: ay, there’s the rub;
For in that sleep of death what dreams may come
When we have shuffled off this mortal coil,
Must give us pause: there’s the respect
That makes calamity of so long life;
For who would bear the whips and scorns of time,
The oppressor’s wrong, the proud man’s contumely,
The pangs of despised love, the law’s delay,
The insolence of office and the spurns
That patient merit of the unworthy takes,
When he himself might his quietus make
With a bare bodkin? who would fardels bear,
To grunt and sweat under a weary life,
But that the dread of something after death,
The undiscover’d country from whose bourn
No traveller returns, puzzles the will
And makes us rather bear those ills we have
Than fly to others that we know not of?
Thus conscience does make cowards of us all;
And thus the native hue of resolution
Is sicklied o’er with the pale cast of thought,
And enterprises of great pith and moment
With this regard their currents turn awry,
And lose the name of action…
I just read the Seven Stages of Grief in my psychology textbook. It confirmed to me that this phase is temporary and that one day ill be such a wise amazing human being, all fixed and all that. Wiser for the future, and at least, knowing. This is what the theory says – it turns out to be a pretty predictable and a well known phenomenon that most humans experience after a loss.
Typically, the seven (7) stages of grief are described as:
- Shock or Disbelief
- Denial
- Anger
- Bargaining
- Guilt
- Depression
- Acceptance and Hope
The end of a relationship is like a bereavement. In addition to the loss of the partner, a person may have to contend with changes in his/her social life, find a new place to live, adjust to living alone, take care of practical arrangements and finances, contend with custody issues if there are children involved, deal with feelings of rejection and abandonment, and somehow find a way to cope with day to day living. If the relationship was abusive or toxic in any way there will be many more feelings to contend with.
In any loss or bereavement, a person typically goes through seven stages of grief. They may not occur in the above order, and some of the stages may coincide with each other. There is no right or wrong way to grieve, no two relationships are the same and every person is different. Even if a person initiated the break up, he/she will still feel a sense of grief and loss.
The Stages of Grief:
Shock and Disbelief - The person may not be able to comprehend that the relationship has really ended, and these feelings may be all consuming. This stage may overlap with the next stage which is:
Denial – “I feel fine” Denial is usually only a temporary defense for the individual. This feeling is generally replaced with heightened awareness of possessions and individuals that will be left behind. Denial can be conscious or unconscious refusal to accept facts, information, or the reality of the situation. Denial is a defense mechanism and some people can become locked in this stage.
Anger - "Why me? It's not fair!"; "How can this happen to me?"; '"Who is to blame?"
Once in the second stage, the individual recognizes that denial cannot continue. Because of anger, the person is very difficult to care for due to misplaced feelings of rage and envy. Anger can manifest itself in different ways. People can be angry with themselves, or with others, and especially those who are close to them. It is important to remain detached and nonjudgmental when dealing with a person experiencing anger from grief.
Bargaining - "Can we still be friends?.." when facing a break-up. Bargaining rarely provides a sustainable solution.
Guilt - The person may blame themselves for the break up, and may at this time have a very low sense of self esteem. They may wish they had done things differently, or said things differently and take on board all of the blame.
Depression – “I'm so sad, why bother with anything?"; The person may have feelings of sadness or hopelessness, withdraw from social relationships and spend a lot of time brooding and ruminating. They may cling on to memories of their partner, and day dream about what might have been. During the fourth stage, the dying person begins to understand the certainty of death. Because of this, the individual may become silent, refuse visitors and spend much of the time crying and grieving. This process allows the dying person to disconnect from things of love and affection. It is not recommended to attempt to cheer up an individual who is in this stage. It is an important time for grieving that must be processed. Depression could be referred to as the dress rehearsal for the 'aftermath'. It is a kind of acceptance with emotional attachment. It's natural to feel sadness, regret, fear, and uncertainty when going through this stage. Feeling those emotions shows that the person has begun to accept the situation
Acceptance - In this last stage, individuals begin to come to terms with the tragic event. The person now begins to feel a fresh sense of hope, and they think of their partner less often. They will not feel the same sense of raw pain, and will resume social relationships. They may even begin to seek out a new partner. From time to time they may feel nostalgic, but they will accept that the relationship is now over.
If you remember that true happiness comes from within and is not dependent upon any one person, you have every chance of finding it. Treat yourself with love and kindness, be gentle with yourself and try to find one thing in every day that pleases you.
- Shock or Disbelief
- Denial
- Anger
- Bargaining
- Guilt
- Depression
- Acceptance and Hope
The end of a relationship is like a bereavement. In addition to the loss of the partner, a person may have to contend with changes in his/her social life, find a new place to live, adjust to living alone, take care of practical arrangements and finances, contend with custody issues if there are children involved, deal with feelings of rejection and abandonment, and somehow find a way to cope with day to day living. If the relationship was abusive or toxic in any way there will be many more feelings to contend with.
In any loss or bereavement, a person typically goes through seven stages of grief. They may not occur in the above order, and some of the stages may coincide with each other. There is no right or wrong way to grieve, no two relationships are the same and every person is different. Even if a person initiated the break up, he/she will still feel a sense of grief and loss.
The Stages of Grief:
Shock and Disbelief - The person may not be able to comprehend that the relationship has really ended, and these feelings may be all consuming. This stage may overlap with the next stage which is:
Denial – “I feel fine” Denial is usually only a temporary defense for the individual. This feeling is generally replaced with heightened awareness of possessions and individuals that will be left behind. Denial can be conscious or unconscious refusal to accept facts, information, or the reality of the situation. Denial is a defense mechanism and some people can become locked in this stage.
Anger - "Why me? It's not fair!"; "How can this happen to me?"; '"Who is to blame?"
Once in the second stage, the individual recognizes that denial cannot continue. Because of anger, the person is very difficult to care for due to misplaced feelings of rage and envy. Anger can manifest itself in different ways. People can be angry with themselves, or with others, and especially those who are close to them. It is important to remain detached and nonjudgmental when dealing with a person experiencing anger from grief.
Bargaining - "Can we still be friends?.." when facing a break-up. Bargaining rarely provides a sustainable solution.
Guilt - The person may blame themselves for the break up, and may at this time have a very low sense of self esteem. They may wish they had done things differently, or said things differently and take on board all of the blame.
Depression – “I'm so sad, why bother with anything?"; The person may have feelings of sadness or hopelessness, withdraw from social relationships and spend a lot of time brooding and ruminating. They may cling on to memories of their partner, and day dream about what might have been. During the fourth stage, the dying person begins to understand the certainty of death. Because of this, the individual may become silent, refuse visitors and spend much of the time crying and grieving. This process allows the dying person to disconnect from things of love and affection. It is not recommended to attempt to cheer up an individual who is in this stage. It is an important time for grieving that must be processed. Depression could be referred to as the dress rehearsal for the 'aftermath'. It is a kind of acceptance with emotional attachment. It's natural to feel sadness, regret, fear, and uncertainty when going through this stage. Feeling those emotions shows that the person has begun to accept the situation
Acceptance - In this last stage, individuals begin to come to terms with the tragic event. The person now begins to feel a fresh sense of hope, and they think of their partner less often. They will not feel the same sense of raw pain, and will resume social relationships. They may even begin to seek out a new partner. From time to time they may feel nostalgic, but they will accept that the relationship is now over.
If you remember that true happiness comes from within and is not dependent upon any one person, you have every chance of finding it. Treat yourself with love and kindness, be gentle with yourself and try to find one thing in every day that pleases you.
