Towards acceptance and hope

Loneliness. Although it was the right decision, living with the consequences of it has been extremely hard. When you spend many years with someone you grow while you are with them. They become part of your identity, and so leaving means letting go of part of yourself. Its not an easy part to just chop off either. For me it has been a year of untangling two horribly knotted ropes and nicely coiling my one so that I can take it down another canyon and leave the other one behind.

In the end loneliness is the most terrible and contradictory of problems. I hate having only myself to come home to and cook dinner for and to care for. I have been used to caring for someone else and feeling worthy of that. If I have work to do, it’s fine. I’m up early in the morning and I go on bushwalks which are my passion, they keep me closest to who I really am. But last weekend I cried the whole way along the ridge to Pantoneys Crown under my hat. I thought bushwalking was always the place I will escape loneliness. But to be truthful, I was always lonely on walks, even though I have a love affair with trees, I always wanted to share it with someone.

It’s not that I need someone. I don’t want to be alone, but I want to be left alone. I think this is just a temporary form of narcissism, because I love sharing life....I'm a terrible romantic after all. I just need a little more time. Like a sculpture that has been shattered and pieces need to be picked up. Like an animal chained up all its life, still with vigour but indoctrinated to rules, memories, emotions, trained to be loyal and dealing with the guilt of breaking all of that. Teetering on the edge of freedom wondering if its possible to jump off and actually be free, and just be me.

I looking ahead and I can almost see the stage of acceptance and hope, but I am not there yet.